Confidence Experiment

Back in 2008 (around 9 years ago now) I decided for whatever reason to start Video Blogging. This only ended up totalling 5 complete videos and I realise looking back on it now that I probably only really started doing it as a confidence boosting exercise for myself.

Back then I was 21, I’d been living on my own for a couple of years and then recently moved a friend in to houseshare with me to split the bills. Thinking about that time period as a newly crowned 30 year old I realise I probably had a lot of shit going on in my head. I’d come out of a 3 year relationship that I thought was going to last forever (as you do at that age) and had officially entered the what I like to call “Bachelor Hat” phase of my life. I’m not going to go into why I called it that exact phrase but lets just say I was dating…quite a fair bit. I was also going through that time in ones life where you tend to question everything about who you are as a person. I’d later find out that you also end up doing that exact same thing almost every year (or at least I did).

I wasn’t very confident, except with dating, which apparently was the only thing I was good at doing back then. I hated speaking to people at work, had trouble making new friends, the friends I did have were ones I now realise were either bad for me or ones I was using just to get out the house. Point is I reckon at some point I’d decided I needed to become more confident or change my personality a bit to be more outgoing or something.

What followed was a series of cringey video blogs which tended to err of the side of utter shit and in comparison to that were sometimes a little funny and interesting to watch. When I rewatch them now and see 21 year old me, with no beard, really tall hair and about 30 pounds skinnier (I was a skeleton) I can see part of the person who I ended up being today trying to break out of his shell. Lots of stuff I did back then was stuff I still do today but more refined. I obviously had some kind of wit, but I’d not mastered how to put that across confidently without looking like a dork. In some ways I take it the video blogging helped me become more confident but I was also working a job where I had to speak to people quite a lot (something which at the time I usually tried to avoid) so I can’t say one way or another whether my little experiment was a success.

I guess the point of this post, apart from desperately trying to actually maintain a source of writing for myself is to highlight how much we change over such a short period of time. You look at yourself at 21 and 30 seems so far away but on the other hand its only 9 years. On the other hand that 9 years saw me personally go through about a dozen different changes. Not necessarily personality ones either, just stuff like the way I looked at people from different cultures, the way I accepted people more for being different and then less important stuff such as music tastes and new stuff I liked to eat (I was one of those picky eaters as a kid). I also pretty drastically changed my lifestyle from one of working a pretty consistent job which I felt did nothing for me and I felt wasted at, to going back to education getting a university degree and now working on my masters.

This was basically just a ramble, I see that now but whatever its out there now. I often think about taking down those old videos or leaving them up and adding one now as a fully fledged adult (he says with complete confidence) but then I realise that everytime I try and do some kind of project on the internet, this, video blogging or otherwise I eventually get too wrapped up in life to care about it anymore. I don’t know maybe if I keep writing this will be different. Anyway, I’ll leave a link to that old youtube page for you to laugh at. I hope it makes you cringe as much as it did me!

Cringe Abound